Am I a bad person?

We had family day on Sunday. The Ex picked up the boys around 10am so I could have a few hours to do some chores and errands. Hubby had to work until 1, so we all planned on meeting back at the house at around 2.

Once everyone was there, including myself, Hubby, kids, Ex, his wife, the 15 year old girl they are fostering, and Roomie, we all sat down to listen to N9 read a story he had written. This is a monumental thing as he wrote it himself, no one helping and it wasn't a school assignment, just something he did for fun. Since N9 has a learning disability, especially in reading and writing, this was a huge deal.

So as he sat there reading, I noticed the Ex was playing on his cell phone. His wife kept jabbing him, telling him to pay attention. He told her he was. Next thing I knew she tossed her (very light) flip flop towards him and told him again that he needed to pay attention. Well the next thing that happens shocked, I think, most of us. Ex threw the shoe down and started snapping at his wife. Asking her what she was thinking, throwing a shoe at his face etc. He breated her a good couple minutes and then went back to his phoen to ignore her. Then we all waited and his wife just told N9 to go on with his story.

Now this may not sound like much, but for me it was huge. One of the reasons Ex and I split is that moments like that were constant in our relationship. Everything I did would set him off. I got really tired of being told how stupid I was. When he and his wife got together, and we all started spending together, I used to whine, rather immaturely I admit, that he treated her so much better than he ever treated me, and what was so wrong with me that he felt I should be treated that way? It was a very big deal for me. So when this happened Sunday I had an other immature moment where for a brief second I was pleased, that she wasn't perfect, and that I wasn't just a terrible spouse. But only briefly. Then I was just sad, because really, no one should be treated that way, and I really hope that it was only an isolated inccident, because I really like his wife.

So do those feeling make me a bad person? I hope not. But that doesn't stop me from feeling a little bit like one.

Stop the presses!

Recently my Ex made a comment that surprised me. Shocked me really. He said he was glad that I am the mother of our children. Wow. Words can't not express how I felt hearing that.

Our marriage and divorce were not...Pleasant. We fought constantly, and viciously. Every thought in my head revolved around why I had children with this man. Never once did I think, gee, I am glad my children are stuck with this man as a father. I always assumed he felt the same way. Maybe he did then. Maybe he has matured now more than I have. Or maybe I have matured and just didn't realize I had gotten past these feelings, and am also grateful that my boys have someone like my Ex as their father.

We only recently started seeing eye to eye on raising our boys. I was always the positive reinforcement, to his "Reinforceanator". I would offer rewards, he would punish with lectures and physical labor. I would discuss issues, he would rant and tell them how things are and would be.

But over the course of the last year, our family has gone through a lot. And yes, I do still consider Ex family. That includes his new wife for me, and my new husband for him. We have learned to listen to each other, and discuss how we, as a group of parents, would like to approach things. I really like our new system. I think it gives us, and the children, good balance. Plus they know that they can't get away with things just because they are at a different parents house. Grounded at one, means grounded at both. We like to be fair that way ;).

I know that with this new system, I always have 3 other people who love my children, to bounce my feelings and thoughts off of. It's good to have feedback when you tackle the tough issues with kids. It also seems to make the kids very happy. They love our family time together. It went from once a month and vacations, to at least every other Sunday. The kids really look forward to those days when they have their whole "family" together.

Of course there are always going to be some issues we don't see eye to eye on. Some things we just flat out don't agree on. But we almost always meet in the middle and try to make sure everyone is satisfied with the outcome.

So I guess I can now say that yes, I am glad that my Ex is the father of my children, and they are lucky kids for it....

J13 & M8 Look pretty happy don't you think?




N8 & N9 showing their happy selves


Another of M8 & J13...What is it with my kids and the bunny ears?

A reason to blog on

Recently I got some linky love from another blog I read, and enjoy. It's a blog by a solo mom and I really relate to a lot of things she says, because I was also a solo mom for quite some time. I know the difficulties and I know the way some people will treat you. During my time as a solo mom, I spent a lot of it just trying to keep my family together. I am no longer a solo mom, but I still carry that with me everyday.

I started this blog as a way to stay in touch with Hubby's family. Since he isn't very good at it, and I really hate talking on the phone, I figured if I blogged some things now and then, whoever in his family chose to could pop in and see what has been going on. Once I started it though, I didn't really want to share it with his family. I was hoping maybe to meet some people who are in similar situations, or just need someone to talk to.

Being a solo mom so long, and being so young, with so many kids was hard for me. I got a lot of negative feedback, even when the Ex and I were still married. A lot of people were judgemental not only by how many kids we had, but the closeness in age. This is something we chose to do in our family. I don't regret it one bit. The boys are close in age, and also close in heart. They are and hopefully always will be, each others best friends. I made very few friends during my marriage. I got to the point where I was too afraid of the comments and assumptions of others due to these circumstances. So my married life was all, and only, about my boys.

When I got divorced it was even worse. Single mom, FOUR kids? It didn't mater what kind of mom I was, or why I was single. People just didn't see past those 2 facts. So I kept to myself. I got a job, I went to work, I stayed out of peoples way. In all the years since I had my first son I made one friend that has stood by, and that is more to her credit than mine, she was persistent in breaking through my shell, and now happens to be a solo mom herself.

Even when I began a serious relationship, and then got married, I still carried that fear, of people judging me. Even with Hubby's family I was afraid, but they have done nothing but welcome me and my boys into the family. It helps, but I still am in my shell. Maybe the Internet will be an easier medium for me to find people I can talk to, and relate to, and form some lasting friendships.

They grow up so fast...

J13 came home today sporting a mustache, and a bloodshot eye. Puberty is hell isn't it?

(Not, Yours), Mine, and Ours...

I have to give Hubby credit, where credit is definitely due. He is one amazing step-dad. In my rant last night about having to clean up after everyone, I was in such a tizzy I forgot to mention that he not only helped the boys with homework, (a job no one wants, truly, pulling teeth is a much more pleasant pastime), and then played video games with them while I tried to sneak off for a nap, (made impossible by Roomie's constant texting me for shopping advice).

I think step-parents in general get a bad rap. Hubby has no biological children of his own. But he talks about mine, ours, as if they are his own. He has a luxury most Dad's don't have. He gets to be a friend. The boys already have a Dad. Now they also have a step-father, or even better, a friend. A man that is significant in their lives, yet approachable on topics a moody 13 year old might not want to discuss with his Dad, or even Mom.

One case in point was last year when J13 had some serious medical issues. We spent many, many weeks in the hospital with him. I stayed with him day and night, only leaving to grab food from the cafeteria. Hubby (not yet Hubby then) came every night to visit us. Ex and his wife kept the other 3 boys. Ex would often visit in the evenings as well, yet when J13 needed help bathing, it was always Hubby he turned to. His buddy. I don't know if a shrink would say it is healthy for a step-parent, or any parent for that matter to be a "buddy" to a child they are helping rear, but I know in my heart that my kids are blessed to have this relationship.

I had 4 proposals after my divorce. (OK, so one was my 8 year old) but I knew only one of them was truly right for me, and for my boys. Hubby is and always will be my best friend. He was long before we married. But just as important, he is also a great friend to my boys. So even when I am ranting about what a lug he is, I love my lug, with all my heart, and I would never give him up.

My second full time job

Apparently one full time job isn't enough. This weekend Hubby and I tore the house apart. Cleaned from top to bottom, including the little boys room *shudder* which is an all day affair. All in all a great way to spend that long awaited 3 day weekend while the kids are away at their dads.

Now I didn't mind the weekend cleaning marathon so much. We did take a short break on Saturday to go see Stardust. I had already seen it, but as Murphy's Law dictates, any movie I go see with girlfriends that I am sure Hubby won't want to see, automatically becomes the one movie he has been waiting all his life to see. It was good enough to see twice thankfully.

So Hubby and I joked on Monday that we had better enjoy the clean house before the kids came home Tuesday after school. Ha ha freakin ha. I made a rules list, and put it on the noteboard. Tuesday morning I got up to go to work, and I get the luxury of sleeping until 7 while Hubby has to be to work by 6am and the girl staying with us has to be out of the house before I am up to get her daughter to daycare before work.

I got up. Thinking I would have at least a few solitaire moments with the clean house before I left for work. I go downstairs and glaring like beacons were little messes left by Hubby and Roomie. Some dirty clothes here, an empty Pop-tart box there. A box of screws left out after I so cruelly asked Hubby to finally rehang a couple pictures that were still on the floor after the great HGTV weekend. So I sigh. I pick up after them, I go to work.

I have the luxury at my job of setting my hours. I get there after I drop kids at school, and leave just in time to pick up J13 and get home before the other 3. The moment they step in the door I start drilling them on the rules. Shoes in the shoe box, backpacks in the backpack area, socks in the dirty laundry, go do homework. All is well still in my clean house.

Then its 8:30p.m. The kids are all snug in beds, and for the next hour I get to clean up. After the kids? A little. After Hubby and Roomie and her child? Yeah, mostly them. I get so tired of being the only one. I find complaining does no good. Full on breakdowns with tears and hysterics usually gets me a little help for a couple days. I even throw on the guilt trip; I am in near constant severe pain due to Rheumatoid Arthritis and a whole mess of related health issues, with no health care at the moment because Hubby's job charges way too much for insurance, and the boys have insurance through their Dad so I can't justify paying that much just to insure me, when, you know, the kids like to eat and have a place to live.

I hope that when the Roomie finally can afford to get her own place in January it won't be so bad. It's one thing to clean up after the man I married knowing he is admittedly a lazy slob, and the children I gave birth to, but it's a whole other issue when it's someone you have opened your home to, who makes messes and let's her child break your things without a second thought.

I don't mean to sound like such a baby. I know I am not the only one going through this. Any advice from anyone? Anyone? Hello, anyone out there?